Corn On The Com

THE SELF-WORTH EQUATION

 

Your self-worth =

 

The number of people throughout your life that wanted to fuck you

+

The number of those people you actually fucked

+

The number of those people who came while thinking about you or something that looks like you

The number of those people who came while thinking about someone/something else

The number of times you’ve thought about each of those people after the relationship ended

The number of times thinking about each of those people ruined your day

×

The number of times each of those people have thought about you after the relationship ended

×

The number of times thinking about you ruined those people’s days

×

.01% of the things on your mental to-do list that you should have started working toward eight years ago

×

.01% of the times you remind yourself that Morgan Freeman didn’t start acting in movies until he was in his 40s (although he had a decent career in theater long before that)

×

.001% of the times you tell yourself you’ll do it tomorow

×

.001% of the times you misspell tomorrow

The number of seconds starting right now until the moment you realize that the word tomorrow looks like a caterpillar

÷

The number of times that a cashier’s question of “Did you find everything alright?” somehow, some-fucking-how, makes you want to crawl under something heavy and black and impenetrable and scream and/or never speak again (hey, science, explain this shit)

+

The number of times you respond to the cashier with an audible mouth noise

×

The number of times you respond with actual words

×

The number of times you look them in the eye and gently, sweetly, lovingly, cover their hand with yours

The number of seconds it takes for both of your heartbeats to fall in sync

The number of seconds it takes for both of your bloodstream’s oxygen consumption to rise above 250 ml/min

+

The rate of velocity in which your feet leave the ground and your bodies float upward toward the great unknown

×

.00000000001% of the times you've stubbed your toe