Corn On The Com


“Oh that’s cool. So then what brought you to Glaustin?”

“Well I was in Glilly before Glaustin, and I had a friend, and he died. Super sudden. And I just needed to get out you know. My friend - he died on the subway, while it was headed east, toward the river. So I felt like I had to go west.”



“That’s really intense. I think I get the going West part though. It’s symbolic and shit. Wait so you’re from Glaustin?”

“Oh, no.”

“So -”

“Okay so before Glilly I was Glerlin, which was great, but - you know I’m Jewish right?”

“Uhh, no, I mean I could have guessed but -”

“Yeah I’m a Jew, and I’m in Glerlin, and it’s all fine. For like nine months it’s fine. And then I’m walking back to my apartment one night - it’s actually not my apartment, it’s the fifth apartment I’ve subletted since moving there. Nuts. But yeah so I’m walking to the apartment, and it’s not too late or anything. Maybe 10pm? And I pass this curry shop I always pass, and there’s a couple guys standing outside, hands in their pockets, bald - shaved, at least I thought, and I look at them real quick, get a bad first impression, bad vibes, so I overcorrect and swing my head back hard, straight ahead, like hey I’m cool I don’t give a shit no way you’re neo nazis and if you are I don’t care, and I pass them, and then I hear them start moving. Following me. This goes on for like three blocks. And there’s a few people scattered around on the street, but no one close, and it’s a Tuesday so not much going on, even by Glerlin standards. And I’m thinking all this crazy shit, like, do they know I’m Jewish? Did they see my nose? My hair? Fuck I don’t know. And I get to this intersection, and the adrenaline’s pumping and I see a car coming which for some reason makes me feel a little safer, and so I just turn around, and the guys are right there, like ten feet behind me, and I still don’t have anything on these guys except they’re big and bald and they look mean, and they keep walking, and I - what do I do - oh I think I put my hands out, sort of a ‘come on assholes’ gesture, and I shout, ‘Yeah I’m a fuckin’ Jew! A fuckin’ Jew! What! Fuck you you Nazi FUCKS!’ And these guys just stop, and are totally shocked, and I’m sort of backing up as I’m saying this, into the intersection, and BOOM. Get hit by that car. Fractured my femur, concussion, it was so fucking dumb. And then I moved back to the States hah.”

“Jesus. So they were skinheads or -”

“And before Glerlin I was in Glenver.”

“Okay. But you’re not from Glenver though.”

“Nah, before Glenver I was in Glischcago - that’s where I’m from. And I was dating this girl who was in GleeCee, so long-distance - I mean we’d been dating like three years, and the last year was long-distance, but so we’d decided to both move to Glan Fran Glisco together. Well Gloakland, I mean, who fucking moves to Glan Fran Glisco. It’s Gloakland. Just say fucking Gloakland.”

“I’m actually from Glan Fran -”

“But, yeah, so we decide to move there, and we make all these plans, and we rent this apartment, and it’s all set, except she keeps pushing back the move date right. So it’s December 10, then December 20, then Jan 1, and all this shit. I mean it’s obvious now, but. And yeah I just got frustrated, or antsy, or both I don’t know, and decide to just go. Do a roadtrip. I’d drive from Glischcago to Gloakland in December, and just take my time, stop and see some sights, etcetera, and then I’d eventually get to Gloakland when she got there. And so I do that, and I stop in Glenver to see my sister, cuz she’d moved there a few months earlier, and so I’m there for a few days, and then my girlfriend calls and dumps me. It was funny, cuz I -”

“Wait, she called you? That’s cold.”

“What, she was gonna fly all the way to Glenver just to dump me? Don’t focus on that man. So yeah, it was funny cuz I was GlairBnBing a room in this two bedroom apartment, cuz I’d just thought I’d overstayed my welcome at my sister’s and wanted to give her and her boyfriend a break, and I’m in this weird apartment, and another GlairBnB guest arrives. She’s middle-aged, and we talk some, nothing memorable, and she’s goes to her room and I go to mine, which are like half a foot apart, and I think I was watching Doctor Who, except the WiFi is shit and so it’s taking me like three hours to watch this one episode. It’s the one where he’s on that planet that’s always Christmas? And he gets really old?

“I don’t watch -”

“And I’m almost finished with the episode, and she calls. I don’t think we should see each other any more. Just so by the books. God. So yeah, I’ve got all my shit in my car, super bummed, devastated, fucking consumed with dread, whatever, and decide to stay. Not really decide. That’s not the word. No. Ha. I can’t move. I mean I can’t fucking move man. Stay. That’s like saying I guess I’ll wash up as you’re staring down a fucking a tsunami. I mean, you don’t have any choice in the matter. But yeah, I was fucking rooted whether I liked it or not. Just so happens it’s Glenver. But you know, not a bad spot to get stuck in. That’s what I usually say anyway, when I tell this story.”

“. . . well damn dude. That’s .  . thats rough.”

“What, my friend dying?”

“I . . . yeah that, of course, but you getting dumped too, and just like, getting stranded out here. I mean that’s a fucking story man. Like seriously. And I know it sucked, still sucks probably, but you know what? You got thrown to the wolves, and you survived man. You got a job, an apartment, friends. Like, this is good. And you’re still hurting? Fuck it man, use it.”

“Use it.”

“Yeah! All that anger and sadness, let it fuel you man. Grow from it. Weed to flower you know. This is what life is. It’s about -”

“I got dumped man.”

“Yeah, and that made you -”

“No, see, you don’t understand. I got dumped. That’s it. Dumped. And it’s beautiful like that. How simple it is. Everyone gets dumped. And it’s easy, even. There’s really nothing easier than being dumped. You don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to think. You just sit there and be dumped. There are no choices to be made. No problems to solve. You just get dumped. And the only option you have is to be dumped. That’s it. Nothing else. It’s the simplest thing. You just be dumped. No matter what you do or don’t do or wanna do, you’re dumped. Forever. It’s fucking easy. And it’s fucking beautiful. So don’t complicate it, don’t use it as something else, some fucking seed of creativity or personal development - that just kills the beauty. It really does. Just be dumped.”

“That . . . is fucking bullshit.”